RETURNING HOME - Chapter 02

Emily pulled herself from her wheelchair and moved slowly to the bed. As she lay down, she grabbed a glass of water off the side table, knocking something off. Peeking over the side, she saw that her journal had fallen open to the page she had most dreaded. She had written down her feelings that first day, but never wrote about it again, wishing to put it behind her and move on with her life. As she reached down and brought the book up to her, she caught glimpses of phrases that she never wanted to see again, but she read it anyway...


"I feel so empty. I guess I am now, huh? Nothing in there anymore. Even at the worst of times, in the back of my mind I still had a shred of hope that Zander and I would one day be together again and have the family I always wanted. But now, as I lie here feeling empty and alone, I know that it will never happen. I've ruined everything. Our baby is gone and it's all my fault!"


Tears started to fall onto the paper as Emily's memories came flooding back to her. She wiped angrily at her eyes and threw her journal accross the room. She had tried so hard to block it out, but now everything was hitting her all at once...


"How can that be???" Emily exclaimed as she watched the tiny plus sign show up in the little plastic window of the pregnancy test she had secretly bought. "We were careful! We always... oh... wait... there was that one time... Oh, man! This is crazy!" A smile began to form as Emily thought about the tiny life that she and Zander had created in love. It really was a miracle, wasn't it? Suddenly she felt like everything was as it should be. She and Zander belonged together and now they had an excuse to get married as soon as possible. Emily couldn't wait to see the look in Zander's eyes when she told him. She knew that he was going to be a wonderful father...


"Elizabeth, can you keep a secret? I'm bursting at the seams to tell somebody! I'm pregnant... I know we're young, but we really love each other and he wants to marry me. I'm so happy, Liz! Please be happy for me... No, I haven't told Zander, but he's gonna be here tomorrow. I'm so excited..."


"AJ, how can you say that to me??? Zander would never do something like that! And besides, he told me he wouldn't work for Sonny's organization! I'm sorry for what happened to you, but unless I hear it from Zander, I won't believe that he had anything to do with your kidnapping..."


"Zander, please tell me you didn't know about AJ's kidnapping! Please tell me that you don't work for Sonny in that way!" With Zander's silence, Emily knew that AJ had been honest with her. Maybe Zander hadn't done anything physically to AJ, but he had known about it and he did work for Sonny now. "I didn't want to believe it, but I guess it's true. You obviously don't give a damn about me at all!!! I don't ever want to see you again, do you hear me??? Don't call, don't write, don't try to find me. We're finished!" At the slamming of the receiver, Emily broke down, feeling her heart shatter into a million tiny pieces. She picked up the phone and repeatedly smashed it against the wall until the staff came running and sedated her. In her drug induced state, she spoke angrily to their child, "Well, I guess you weren't born out of love after all. You were a mistake! The story of my stupid life. Well, I'm just gonna work twice as hard so I can get the hell away from everybody. They don't care about me and I'm tired of giving everything and getting nothing in return..."


"Emily, slow down, girl. Slow and steady wins the race, remember?" Her physical therapist kept telling her, but Emily was determined to get away and start a new life for herself and her baby, with no help from anybody. The sooner the better...


"Oh, god. Somebody help me! Somebody, please!!!" Emily was screaming hysterically. She had been startled awake by terrible cramps, turned on the lamp and found her sheets stained with blood...


"I'm so sorry, Emily, there was nothing we could've done for him. You really should have told us about the pregnancy, so we could modify your workouts. There was just too much strain on your body to carry a child..."


"Emily, it'll be okay, you can still have more children, right?" Elizabeth was trying to comfort her friend the best she could, but Emily was completely distraught. "Have you told Zander?" Emily relayed the entire situation, making her swear to never tell Zander. Although, later on, Emily realized that she still loved Zander and had come to believe that he probably never meant to hurt her, she felt it was better that they had split up. Why tell him about the baby when there's no reason? It would just cause a lot of senseless pain...


"It was my fault! I told him he was a mistake. Maybe I subconciously wanted to lose the baby and that's why I overworked myself..." The psychiatrist tried to convince Emily that she wasn't to blame, but she wouldn't listen. She remembered what happened right after the breakup with Zander...


"Emily, is that you on the phone? AJ lied..." Emily couldn't face Zander, knowing that she had been responsible for their baby's death, so she said the only thing she could think of to make Zander leave her alone. "Zander, I don't love you anymore! I have a new boyfriend now..." As soon as she hung up the phone, she cried for all that she had lost and all that could've been...


"Emily you're acting as if nothing happened! You need to deal with this..." "What's the point, Elizabeth? The baby was a mistake anyway, right? You thought so yourself, didn't you? I just need to focus on getting my body back to normal, as if that'll ever happen..."


"She was doing so well..." Emily heard the doctors speaking in hushed tones, as she continued pulling her hair out one strand at a time. "but now all of a sudden she won't eat, she won't go to her sessions, and she keeps hurting herself."


Emily pulled up her sleeve to see the scars left behind by her constant mutilations. She hadn't even been aware that she was doing it. The nurse had told her that she found her one night scraping a hairbrush against her arm over and over. After that incident, the hospital called her family to take her home. There was nothing more they could do for her, if she didn't want to get well.

Now lying in her old bed in her old home, she was bombarded with other memories as well. Memories of Zander... him sneaking into her window... arguing with him... making love with him... losing him. Emily curled up into a ball and began to sob, letting out the emotions that had been pent up for weeks.

***

"Zander, are you okay?" Elizabeth had explained the entire situation, hoping that Zander would understand and do something to help Emily.

"Okay is not the word I would use at this moment," Zander replied, visibly shaken to his core by what Elizabeth had just told him. Emily was pregnant with his child and didn't tell him. Then she lost the baby and didn't tell him. Then she lied to him and said she had a new boyfriend, just to push him away...

"She blames herself for everything. She's really confused, Zander. She was so happy and excited when she found out she was pregnant, and couldn't wait to tell you, but when she heard about AJ's kidnapping, she flipped out. She thinks you never cared about her and were just using her. Now she's acting as if nothing ever happened, but I can see that she's really miserable. I don't know what to do for her."

"Well, what the hell do you expect me to do about it!" Zander snapped, on the verge of tears. "She obviously didn't want me to know anything! She always has to make decisions for everybody else without even letting them get a say in it!"

Elizabeth was stunned into silence.

"I'm sorry, Elizabeth. I didn't mean to yell at you." Zander started to calm down a little. "I'm just a little confused myself. Here I was trying so hard to move on with my life, trying to get over her, and now you tell me that it was all a lie?"

"Well, I said what I came here to say. The decision is yours, but I really hope you don't give up on Emily. She needs you now more than ever, even if she won't admit it." Elizabeth left Zander alone with his thoughts, as he tried to make sense of it all in his mind. He laid down on his bed and gave way to the tears he had been holding back for months.


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