ATTEMPTED - Chapter 01

"Zander, you're not listening to me. It's not what you think," Emily pleaded with him.

"Yeah, it never is. I'm always the last one to know everything, aren't I?" Zander was losing control. "Let me run down the list for you. You lied to me about the other guy when you left town. You came home years later and basically said that we had been just a fling and only wanted to be friends. Then you kept giving me mixed signals until you led me to believe that you really did love me and wanted to be with me. Then you made me think you were suffering from a drug addiction and blamed me for it. You wouldn't tell me about your cancer, but turned to Nikolas for help. Then you proceeded to tell everyone else about your illness, including Gia, who did you a favor by keeping me distracted and away from you. Now you've fallen in love with Nikolas, yet decided to come back to me and tell me the truth because what? You feel guilty for shutting me out in the first place and you think there's no future with Nik? I'm sorry, Em. I don't wanna be your damn consolation prize! I'm outta here! Have a nice life. Go back to Nikky and tell him how you really feel. Maybe he'll take you back. Just stay the hell away from me."

Zander didn't even look back as he climbed out her window. It was over for good. He never wanted to see her lying face again. His heart had been shattered one too many times and there was no repairing it this time. He didn't even care. He didn't want anything from anybody. He was sick of the world and he no longer wanted to be a part of it.

***

Zander slammed the door behind him as he entered his room. He swiped angrily at the tears that streamed down his cheeks. He headed into the bathroom to wash his face, but stopped cold when he saw his reflection in the mirror. He was a mess. How he survived as long as he had remained a mystery. No, actually, it was Emily. She had believed in him and he clung to her love like a lifeline. He never realized how dependant he was on her until now. How pathetic. He felt like the biggest loser who ever lived. Suddenly he was being bombarded by one memory after another: Emily breaking up with him in the barn. Emily breaking up with him over the phone. Carly kicking him to the curb for Sonny. Sonny kicking him out of the business for Jason. Elizabeth choosing Jason over him. His father explaining that he let him believe he had killed his own brother because he was trying to protect him. Emily explaining that she had shattered his heart because she was trying to protect him...

"I don't need any of you!" Zander shouted and clutched at his head, trying to get the flashbacks to stop. Suddenly all was quiet and he knew what he needed to do. He was calm, even smiling, as he pulled open the medicine cabinet. "I won't be a problem for anybody anymore. No more wasted space." He pulled out a razor blade and ran it along his wrist. He suddenly felt a little guilty, so he went and jotted down a quick note.

SORRY ABOUT THE MESS.

-ZANDER

He went back into the bathroom and slit his wrists quickly and cleanly. "That wasn't difficult at all," he thought. He stood there watching the blood drip into the sink until he became lightheaded and slumped dizzily to the floor. He laughed as he realized how guilty his dad would feel over this one.

***

Emily knocked lightly on the door. She had to make Zander understand. He thought she had really fallen in love with Nikolas, but it wasn't true. She was just penning her bizarre thoughts down and wondered if what she felt for Nikolas was more than friendship, but there was no way he could compare to Zander. Obviously Zander had stopped reading her diary before getting to that part.

No answer. She rapped harder and the door swung open a bit. That was strange. Zander usually locks his door, or at least closes it all the way. She peeked inside, but didn't see him. She decided to leave him a note, so she walked over to his desk and found the pad and pen. She was confused by the words he had written. There was no mess... Emily's eyes went wide as she felt a chill run up her spine. She spun around and stifled a scream as she ran to Zander's crumpled form on the floor. She pulled out her cell phone and called for an ambulance.

***

"It's my fault. It's my fault." Emily kept repeating as her mom tried to comfort her.

Zander had lost so much blood that they weren't sure he would make it through the night. He was on a 24 hour watch in ICU to see if his blood pressure would come back to near normal. Luckily Monica had been working in the ER and saw Emily come in with Zander. She held her daughter while she sobbed uncontrollably. Finally, she had requested a sedative to help Emily relax. "Sweetheart, this was probably a long time coming. Zander has had a lot of problems to deal with, not just you."

"But I pushed him too far. I thought I was doing the right thing and I thought we were okay, but then he got the wrong idea and he wouldn't listen to me."

Cameron came rushing in and spotted Monica and Emily. "Where's Alexander? I just got the message that he was brought into the ER. What happened?"

Emily looked up and saw red. She stood up and started pounding on Cameron's chest and arms. "You bastard! You did this to him!" She caught Cameron off guard, but her weakened state made it easy for him to restrain her. Monica jumped up to help. "Emily, calm down. Blaming everyone else isn't going to help Zander."

Cameron was confused by Emily's outburst, but listened intently rather than demand any answers. He could see how distraught she was.

"But it's true," Emily whimpered. "Dr. Lewis blamed Zander for the death of his brother. He made him believe he had shot him in a hunting accident, when all the while he knew it was a suicide! Zander has lived with the guilt tearing him apart all these years."

Cameron lowered his head in shame. He never forgave himself for how he had treated his younger son, but he figured the pain he caused was better than driving him to his death.

"Oh, my god. Is that true? You had another son who committed suicide?" Monica was stunned. "And now Zander..."

Cameron paled. "Now Zander WHAT?" He was afraid he already knew the answer. The one thing he was trying to prevent all these years may have actually happened. He began to shake.

Monica took him aside and tried to be compassionate, knowing that the incident Emily described probably had a lot to do with Zander's emotional state. "Your son was brought in with slashes in his wrists. It looks like a possible suicide attempt. There was a note."

Cameron steeled himself so he wouldn't completely break down in front of Monica and Emily. "What did it say?" Cameron was sure there would've been some sort of jab at him in there. Alexander always prided himself on getting in the last word wherever he was concerned.

Emily walked up, having calmed down a bit. "Sorry about the mess," she laughed tearfully.

"Pardon me?"

"That's all Zander wrote. Can you believe that? He was just worried that somebody would have to clean up all the blood in the bathroom. Zander may come off as this guy who doesn't care about anybody or anything, but he is the most thoughtful person I have ever known."

Cameron choked back his tears. "I need to see him. Please, Monica, take me to him."

***

Zander looked so lifeless lying in his hospital bed. His face was drawn and pale and he didn't move. His blood pressure was dangerously low and his heartbeat was barely registering. Cameron studied the monitors and the oxygen mask and the blood supply that was keeping his son alive. He mentally kicked himself over and over again. "Take a good look at what you've done to your son." Gia's words of several months prior rang in his head. Taking his son's hand gently into his own, he sat on a nearby stool and began to cry. He closed his eyes and let himself finally break down. Agonizing sobs shook his entire body as he wept for his two sons who felt they had no choice but to take their own lives. "I'm so sorry, Alex," he choked out. "I never meant to hurt either one of you. I love you so much, but I just never knew how to show it."

Emily stood at the doorway with tears streaming down her face. She had wanted to be there to protect Zander in case his father started to say mean things, but she never expected this. "That's all he ever wanted, you know," she finally said.

Cameron turned to her, wiping away the evidence of his guilt and pain. "What?"

"Your love," she replied sadly. "That's all Zander ever wanted. He used to tell me how jealous he was of my family. That even though they were all a bunch of lunatics, they still loved me a lot and it showed."

Cameron nodded his understanding. "You were right. I did this to him. If he makes it through this, I swear I will do everything in my power to make it up to him. He will know every single day how much I love him."

"I hope so." Emily looked sheepishly at him. "I'm sorry about what I said, though. I was just really upset and feeling guilty, too. I'm partly to blame. We had a really big fight just before this happened. He said some really nasty things to me, which I probably deserved. Anyway, there was a misunderstanding that Zander wouldn't let me explain and he ran off. I have never seen him so out of control before. It really scared me, so I waited a few minutes before going to see him to see if he had calmed down..." Her words trailed off.

Cameron could see how devastated Emily was. He knew some of what was going on thanks to Alexis, but he had to make her understand that this wasn't her fault. "Emily, do not blame yourself for this. Alexander has probably had this growing inside of him all these years, just like his older brother. Technically, it's not even my fault, although I didn't help matters by letting him think the worst of himself. I figured Alexander believed the shooting was just an accident and that I was a total bastard, as you said. To me that was better than him knowing his brother killed himself. But depression is a serious illness that can go undetected for years. Even a psychiatrist can't always spot it. I would have never guessed it by the way Alex has spoken to me. He seemed so in control, saying that his overdose last January was just an accident. I see now that it probably wasn't. He wanted out then, too."

"Can I sit with him for awhile?"

"Of course. I need to call Alexis anyway."

Emily watched Cameron leave the room and felt a newfound respect for him. He had only done the same thing she had. He was trying to protect his son in a roundabout way just like she tried to do. They were both stupid, but they were both going to make up for their stupidity somehow. She took the seat Zander's father had vacated and stroked Zanders hair. "I hope someday you can forgive me for all the lies, but if you can't I'll totally understand. Just know that I love you more than my life and hurting you was the last thing I ever wanted. I'm so sorry, baby." She stayed by Zander's side for a few more minutes before leaving him alone.

On her way out of the hospital she ran into Carly.

"Hey, Emily! Are you all right? You look like somebody died."

"It's Zander..." she sniffled

"Zander's dead??"

"Not yet, but he's pretty close to it."

"Oh, my god, what happened?"

"He tried to kill himself." Emily watched as Carly's expression went from concern to shock to something undefined.

"I should've seen this coming," she said quietly. "I remember back in January right before he OD'd, I caught him trashing my new club. He practically begged me to send Sonny after him. He was going on and on about being tired of having to be the one who's replaceable, as he put it. I think he called himself a screwup and a loser or something. I had never seen him like that before. I tried to tell him to get help, but he said that talking to a shrink wasn't going to change anything. It really shook me up."

Emily felt nauseous. The signs were there but Zander had nobody to take care of him. He must have felt so alone.


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